Welcome to Oddities

Welcome to the web site for the Oddities Bookstore, your one-stop shop for all your magical, mystical, illogical, non-euclidean, moderately unsettling, suspiciously specific, possibly-not-even-actually-books book needs! We have a wide array of novels, essays, journals, textbooks, tomes, spellbooks, books of curses in nonexistent languages, books we are not even sure we are legally supposed to have, ~~books that are written upside-down for some reason~~ (we figured this one out, see below), and books that change forms entirely after 10 PM, all available for what we're pretty sure are somewhat reasonable prices! Well nobody else is selling these kinds of things so we're kind of making shit up as we go and have no reference point for "reasonable prices." But we're pretty sure they're reasonable! Unless you can prove otherwise somehow. In which case, we would really like to talk to you, because we might be in over our heads here.

We're located on 4th Street, just up the road from the perpetually dirty Denny's, cater-cornered from the 7-11 that creeps everyone out (including us), and on the other side of the dimensional rift from the Gbfrrbnerb's. So we're told. Side note: if you ever happen to stop by said Gbfrrbnerb's on your way to Oddities and bring us a milkshake I've been given permission to let you have a book for free. We're really curious about those milkshakes and we're willing to risk interdimensional tummy aches to find out what all the fuss is about.

I am not. That's because you're no fun. Aren't you lactose intolerant? We have Lactaid. That expired three years ago, no? We can buy more Lactaid! These are such nothingburger problems and are NOT valid reasons to not let me try an interdimensional milkshake! Are you guys not curious at all? No. Not particularly. Fucking yawn.

Please note that we do not do refunds. We kind of thought that this was obvious, but we have come to discover that it is not. So now you know. Stacy. And Aaron. Oh my god I forgot about Aaron. If you're out there Aaron: you're a bitch.

Please also note that one of our owners (me, hi) is mostly mute. While he can speak if necessary, it causes his throat severe pain to do so. Please do not be offended if he does not engage in small talk or if I swoop in to answer questions.

Oh and MY disclaimer is that if you're gonna bring your kids then you are responsible for monitoring them the whole time. I know we have a kickass romance section (you're welcome) (bleh) (shut up) but our books LITERALLY BITE PEOPLE and we are NOT responsible if your unsupervised little goblins get a leathery bitch slap to the face by one of our more active artifacts. And if they knock things over then it is literally my job to kick you out and I frankly don't like doing that. (I thought you said that was your favorite part of the job) (shh shut up)

Recently Acquired Inventory

Below is a sampling of a few of the items we still have remaining for sale at our location. Please be advised that the descriptions listed here are not comprehensive lists of all possible effects an item may exhibit, nor are they guaranteed to exhibit any or all effects listed. Books are unexpected little things, especially ours, so your mileage may vary.

The Tome of Conspicuous Sadness

This nicely leather-bound, 193-page book dates back about 145 years. All of the pages inside are filled only with drawings of sad faces. While this book is largely inert, merely opening it causes a mild and unexplainable case of melancholy and gloom. Some have even reported feeling a little extra sad from being within 15 feet of this book while open, but it doesn't seem to affect everyone equally. The effects of opening this book go away immediately after closing it. We're not sure what the deal is with that. (I think it's just so boring that it makes people sad merely from osmosis)

The Anything Essay

We are unsure when this essay was written, as despite being very intricately bound in leather with a stained depiction of a dolphin on the cover, this essay of 7 pages is entirely blank. Neither the inside nor the outside has any apparent writings in any known languages. In spite of this, it has been documented that were one to run one's eyes over each of the 7 blank pages as though one were truly reading it, one would suddenly gain very detailed knowledge of any random topic upon completion. The knowledge is limited to what can be reasonably conveyed in 7 pages, but can pertain to any topic regardless of the reader's former familiarity. However, despite the thoroughness and confidence of the newly acquired knowledge, further scrutiny would prove it to be wholly (and suspiciously so) incorrect. The topic and information change with each "read" of this article, and it has been observed that if more than one person "reads" the essay at the same time, the topic and information obtained differ entirely and without pattern.

The Cursed Copy of Homer's Iliad

Oh I fucking HATE this one. Okay so this fucker LOOKS like a normal copy of Homer's Iliad right? Paperback. Modern print. Uninspiring. You open it up and start reading it and think "oh wow look at me reading HISTORY and shit even though this isn't as interesting as something from the ROMANCE section." Well guess what motherfucker? You just unleashed The Author. What's that you ask? He's (she's? they's?) a stupid little stick figure on page 243 who fucking JUMPS to any other book in a 30 foot radius the second you open this book. And what does he do when he gets to those other books? He starts randomly rearranging the words. Naturally. Why wouldn't he? That's not like the MOST FUCKING ANNOYING THING HE COULD DO RIGHT?? And the new arrangements don't even make sense! Like I'm all about artistic freedom or whatever but this guy doesn't even form real sentences! He'll spend at least 3 minutes fucking with one book before jumping to the next so that by the time you realize he's visited a book he's probably somewhere else. Any book within 30 feet of his own is in danger unless it's already a magical book. Oh yeah and the changes he makes are permanent. Because of course they are. The only way to stop him is to isolate this copy from any other books. This little fucker ruined an entire shipment of Fifty Shades of Grey with his antics (what a tragedy) I hate him PLEASE buy him and get him AWAY from me.

Alani's Recordings of the Celestials

From what we can tell, this codex is a legitimate creation of 450 AD astronomer Alani Ifermies. We had to re-bind this book a few years ago as it got ruined from the leaky roof before we bought the place, but the internal vellum pages were miraculously unaffected. Inside is a very intricate and detailed star map, completely outdated and kind of useless now, but clearly drawn by hand in 12 different colored inks across 86 large pages. What's neat, however, is that when any page is opened in the dark, it projects a massive version of its maps onto the ceiling and surrounding walls, which light up the room. These projections shift and shimmer, lasting about 45 minutes before fading, and can be "recharged" by leaving the book open in direct sunlight for 5 hours. The book holds a "charge" for about 3 months, and the pages glow faintly in the dark when closed. We've been using it as a night light.

To Kill a Mockingbird: Upside Down Edition?

Okay this one's just weird. On the outside it looks like a completely normal copy of "To Kill a Mockingbird." When we bought it I'm pretty sure it was a completely normal copy of "To Kill a Mockingbird." But somehow. Some way. Every single word in this book has been turned upside down. 360 degrees. (180) (NO it's 360) (It's 180) (WHATEVER) It's all still in the same order. The page headers and numbers aren't upside down. I swear to god I'm not just reading it upside down (again) (shut up). Every word is just upside down for some reason. Do I know why? NO. Not a damn clue. Is it kind of neat? Yeah in like a dizzying "this makes my fucking head hurt a little bit" kind of way. Do I advise reading it? No not really. But you should totally buy this and put it on your coffee table and then all of your dinner guests will be like "wow that's a really crazy book" and you can be like "yeah man it's MAGICAL."

UPDATE: I hate everything. It was that FUCKING Author again. Someone's kid got loose in the store and JUST BARELY pried the cursed Iliad's cover open and it was JUST BARELY close enough to this book for the little creep to jump over here and fuck with it over the course of the next 6 weeks. He's torturing me. He's literally just torturing me. I'm being tortured. I don't even know what I did to him. He just hates me. And you know what? GOOD. It's mutual.